So not exercising

I can't keep it from you any longer. I am so not exercising. Just haven't been doing it. I am pissed. "Here I go again," is all I can think about. I know working out needs to be for me, but I could sure use a kick in the ass. Any takers?

I know all the reasons I should be doing this. How do I "just do it"? How do I motivate myself?

Project C is floundering...

Crazy Dreams & Stress

I have been having crazy, crazy dreams lately. Now, I know what you are thinking and STOP THAT! They are not all like that!

What makes us dream these crazy dreams? For me, it is stress! I don't think I have that much stress. No more than most people these days. "Knock on Wood" - we are all pretty healthy. Morgan-Dog is recovering pretty well from her surgery, the kids are great and Cass and I are just getting older gracefully. What else is there?

You guessed it! M-O-N-E-Y!!! No so much not having it...right now. But more of where it is going to come from in the near future. I know. I know. It is only money. I should be thankful. I am thankful. I'm just pissed off!

However, these dreams have not been scary or bad in anyway. They have been FUN, kinky, hilarious and intriguing. I haven't wanted to wake up on some days. (wink, wink)

I feel like I am revisiting all the great moments of my life from high school all the way up to my fantasy! It's been a great way to deal with the stress. ;) My favorite so far...me & the SuperBowl champion Peyton Manning! No, it wasn't kinky. I was just the one he hugged and kissed and thanked after the big game! *sigh*

The nights I have nightmares or I am being chased are the nights I feel like I am looking for something to stress about. Does that make sense?

Well, my bedtime approaches and I wonder...what will I dream about tonight? I vote for...well, I'll let you ponder what I hope for.

What do you dream about when you are stressed?

MIA

MIA = Missing in Action

I know. I know. I am a horrible blogger. I am also really lame for neglecting Project C the way I have. I could make excuses, but they would just take up your time AND mine. So instead, I will just give you an update on what's been going on.

Morgan-Dog went under the knife last Wednesday. What a day! WHAT A DAY! It wasn't nearly as heart wrenching as I thought. Just exhausting. I had decided that Morgan was going to get through the surgery just fine and that is the position I took all day. (Remember, creative visualization?) I was in a position of power.

I should have visualized how to deal with a 5 year old and an almost 3 year old. I just expected them to understand that Morgan had a sick leg and the only way to make her feel better was to remove the leg. Well, M just burst into tears and J decided that if she kissed the leg, it would magically get better. It went on like this for a couple of days. I even showed them photos of TriPawds online.

M was relieved to know Morgan would still be able swim and J still wanted to kiss Morgan's boo-boo away. Exhausting!

Thankfully, my Mom was able to come up and whisk M&J away for a few days so that the house would be quiet for Morgan. The house is so quiet and I think Morgan misses M&J. I know I do.

Tomorrow, they come home. Tomorrow I prep them for what the nub looks like. Tomorrow I explain that they cannot run around Morgan and they can't touch her. I am exhausted already.

YoYo-ing

I am here to tell you the term, "YoYo-ing" can be applied to more than just my weight. Actually, my weight has been pretty consistent...consistently increasing each year.

Lately, my emotions have been one big YoYo! Stress, fear, relief, worry, happiness, anger, sadness, elation, etc. You get the picture. Today was no different. I woke up happy to be cuddling with my daughter. (She comes in every morning and asks, "Mom? Can I sweep with you?") Then, I was immediately sad because Morgan wasn't home. This was followed by relief...she was safe and doing well. My stomach was doing somersaults and I wasn't even out of the bed.

Despite the rain, everyone woke up in pretty good moods and seemed happy. We were enjoying a day at home while Daddy was out on appointments. It was all good until I realized that MD Unemployment had missed paying me for a full week and still has not paid me my nine weeks from March 2009. And, then I found out that my insurance application had a permanent rider put on it along with a 25% rate increase based on how I answered the application questions. ARGH!

The damn MD Unemployment department never answers the phones. And, don't even get me started on the insurance companies and options for a self-employed family of four! I will step up high on my soap box and tell you all how I really feel about it all. It's late. I don't have the energy and you probably have other things to do.

Oh emotions! They make you downright tired! *Y*A*W*N*

Emotions

What a day jam packed full of all sorts of emotions! I am exhausted. (The third glass of wine isn't helping either.)

My day began getting up early to take Morgan-Dog to the hospital. I had to get their early because my husband had an early client meeting. I was delayed. My stomach got the best of me. Is this TMI? Maybe. However, if I am going to show the emotion of the day, I am going to tell you that the stress, worry, self-doubt, etc. got the best of me.

Morgan & I enjoyed a very quiet and peaceful ride to the hospital. I think I told her how amazing she is and how much I love her about every mile. :) I was surprisingly strong when I dropped her off. How did I do this? Well, I was told over the phone the cost would be $400 less than what I was quoted.

I was so very excited to have something like this to focus on. It certainly wasn't a "show stopper". We were going to do this for our Morgan. But I was slightly pissed off. Anger is a very good distracter.

Dr. Morrison, Morgan's surgeon called me before he started to make sure I was okay and that we were on the same page. He said it was important that we move forward together with no negativity for Morgan. I LOVED this! And, if I wasn't married, I would have asked him out right then and there!

I kept myself distracted with two children, facebook and laundry. I was blah, I was moving slow and thinking even slower! I needed more of a distraction so I grabbed M&J and went for a walk. It was great to get out in the 70degree weather! It was a 45 minute distraction.

When we returned home, Josie decided to start fretting and crying about her Morgie-Dog. It was cute but really reminded me of how big a part of the family Morgan-Dog is. I began to worry again. The doctor hadn't called yet.

I didn't have to wait long. Dr. Morrison called to tell me Morgan did great! I was happy. Sooo happy, I cried! But still worried that she would have issues through recovery.

I tried to distract myself with dinner prep and laundry. (Yes! My world is very exciting!) The phone finally rang again. It was Dr. Morrison telling me how pleased he is and how great Morgan is doing. I was relieved and happy and very proud! I knew my Morgan-Dog could do it.

I am now experiencing fatigue and exhaustion. I will edit/add/update this post tomorrow.

Avoidance

Well, I have been avoiding my blog. I have been hiding from it. Ignoring it. Running away from it. This window has sat open and ready to receive my inspiration words for 5 days.

I haven't been hiding under my bed. I have been productive and dealing with other aspects of my life. I, along with my husband made a big decision. I have been working on Snapping Turtles Photography. I have been diligent about getting our personal and professional files organized.

To be honest, the big decision has had me preoccupied and pretty much paralyzed. After much discussion with my husband and advice from my sister (a neurological vet tech), we have decided to amputate my Morgan-Dog's sick & weak leg.

Some of my friends and family might think I am being silly. "She's just a dog," they might say. Morgan is more than just a dog and I think you pet lovers would agree.  We couldn't just let her disease progress, eating away at her bones and causing so much pain and stress. We couldn't.

So, tomorrow Morgan will have her left hind leg amputated. This is not an easy surgery. She'll be in the hospital for 2-4 days and we will have much recovery and adjustment at home. I need to step it up! I need to be strong for my four-legged-soon to be three-legged child.

I didn't work out for 6 days. I've been bad. However, I have been working on changing my diet. I didn't completely screw up. Right?

Jillian wasn't so forgiving. We spent our 20 minutes together yesterday morning. I did everything...well, I did miss 5 push-ups. Jillian wasn't so happy with me. My muscles ache! I had trouble sleeping last night. Every time I twisted and turned I was reminded that I had been away for 6 days. Jillian is a cold-hearted bitch! Doesn't she KNOW that a Mom needs her sleep?

So, here I sit and type. I wonder if my big decision was the right one. I wonder how I am going to do this. How am I going to love this weight and these inches? How do I stay focused on Project C?

Anyone out there have answers?

Staying Focused on Project C

WOW! What a day. It started out really productive and full of energy. I had a plan for the day. I hadn't "over-planned". I had a small list of items to tackle. (I find that I overwhelm myself with my to-do lists and freeze.) I was doing quite well until about 2pm.

I remained on task, focused on my goals and avoided Coca-Cola. I made some important phone calls, ran some errands and went on a play date with M&J. I was on a roll. That was until I arrived home and went to say hello to my husband. (He works from home.)

Cass informed me that we received "the call". We finally had the biopsy results for Morgan-Dog and they just confirmed what we suspected and actually knew deep down. She has bone cancer. It is either an osteosarcoma or a fibroblastoma. Both are very aggressive cancers. They believe it is not isolated to the leg and we are going in for an abdominal ultra sound to see if the cancer has metastasized. If it has, we might be able to try chemotherapy, but I do not think it will buy Morgan much time. If the cancer has not metted in the abdomen, it just means we have more time with our sweet, sweet dog. The big issue is the pain she will experience.

Bone cancer is very painful. The site of the primary tumor looks like it is just going to explode out of her skin. I know it hurts. I can see it in her eyes and how she catches that leg. She doesn't want us to see it. She tries to hide it. To be honest, she comes to comfort me when I succumb to the emotion and reality of the situation. Shouldn't I be comforting her? (Dogs are just so selfless which is probably why selfish humans surround themselves with them.)

Right now, she is on a low dose form of morphine three times a day. She doesn't like taking the meds. We try to trick her with cheese or pill pockets wrapped around them but she will eat around the pills. I keep telling her they will help her feel better, but she still resists.

Amputating the leg would be a quick way to remove her pain. Unfortunately, it probably won't extend her life for more than 2-4 months. So, do we put her through a (costly and) painful surgery that will not only take her pain but one of her limbs? If we do not take her leg, how do we manage the pain and make her comfortable until...

I do not wish this on any pet-parent. It just sucks. She is part of this family. We are not ready to say good-bye. I am an emotional mess.

The question now is how do I balance the emotion, the horrible pain, the desperation and the anger. I want to curl up into a ball with Morgan next to me and just cuddle and cry and love. I want to hide with her and keep her from this disease. I want to keep her with me...with us. I know I can't. I know I have two small children to care for, a house to keep in order, a husband to support, my own business to start and myself to take care of. What about Project C? How do I stay focused on me too?

I do know how important exercise and a good diet help ones mind and body. I know this, but how do I refocus myself. How do I take this emotion and stress and redirect it toward exercise? Getting up at 6am tomorrow to work out for 20 minutes is going to be difficult. Don't be too upset with me if I take an extra 20 minutes cuddling with Morgan-Dog instead.


(Suggestions and encouragement always welcome!)

A Frest Start (after a mental kick in the pants)

"Monday, Monday...so good to me!"

I took off three days from my mission...sort of. I was still focusing a little bit on the business and changing my eating habits. However, I did not work out. I was pissed at myself. I have done this before. I hit a hurdle, get pissed and give up. This time was different. I re focused! I went to bed last night visualizing my week.

Creative Visualization or imagery is a great way to re focus yourself and help you stay positive, on track and succeed. Athletes use this technique. Actors use this technique. Business people use this technique. Why shouldn't I?

Actually, I have used it before. When my tumor began growing again in 2001, I had a very hard time. It had been treated with gamma knife radiation, but my mind wasn't up to speed with the medicine. I became very depressed, reckless and could not sleep. The insomnia was horrible. How many re-runs of Law & Order and Walker Texas Ranger can a girl watch before she realizes she is in a bad spot.

Of course, this happened in January when it was cold and dark. I did not have a dog to share the early morning walks in Baltimore city with and I didn't have the money for the gym. I decided to drink and go out a lot. While that was fun, it certainly didn't help my sleeping pattern or mental health let alone my wallet.

I decided to find a therapist - a licensed clinical social worker- to speak to. I did not want a doctor for fear that I would be prescribed medication., I am not a big fan of medication especially when life style/diet change can fix the issue. I found her. MaryAnn is and was awesome! (Thank you MaryAnn!)

MaryAnn mixed clinical therapy with alternative practice. It was perfect for me. I found myself reading books about Buddhism & meditation and one day I stumbled upon a book about Creative Visualization. I would literally visualize my tumor shrinking, being fought by Captain-R (R=Ray for radiation). I would visualize myself sleeping. I would visualize my breath...clean, bright, white and brisk air going in, invigorating my body & spirit and dark, thick, grey, warm air leaving my body. It worked! I do not think I read past page 9 of the book. I was always asleep!

I believe in learning from our past. Pushing the mistakes aside and pulling lessons from them. I am doing that here and so far I am pleased with the results! Last night, before I fell asleep, I visualized waking when the house was dark and quiet, putting on the sports bra, sneakers, etc. and heading down to the living room where Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred was waiting. I pushed through the annoying twinges & pain and completed Level One. I also have had 3 glasses of water already.

I can do this! I can do this! Right? Support is important too. Can I get some support?

Additionally, I am cutting the sugar way, way back in my diet. I am considering a cleanse but I need to read up on them first. The concept is great but the actual cleanse makes me very nervous. More on that later.

For now...visualize an awesome, happy, productive day!

Aarrrrggghhhhh

So I didn't post an entry yesterday because I was beyond pissed with myself. I slept through my work out time. I could tell you that I was up late working on my blog and both kids were in my bed so I didn't get much sleep, but those are excuses. Excuses are the reason I started Project C. I wanted to be able to read back and see the pattern of excuses and crap that I use to rationalize my way out of exercising.

I did it again today. The kids were in my bed multiple times. It was like having a newborn waking every three hours. I should have at least gone for a walk. Dammit! Here I go again. I need to refocus and start anew tomorrow.

On a good note, my muscles are very sore (still) from Thursday's workout. And, when I do anything I have been very aware of pulling my abs in. I do not want to negate what I did last week nor do I want to feel that pain again.

I have been drinking more water, drinking much less soda and eating small meals. I am making improvements, but I need to work out! I must work out!

I pulled something in my abs last night while trying to pick up Max and carry him back to bed. I have never pulled an ab muscle. I usually don't use them at all. :) What do you do for a angry ab muscle? Please do not say rest!

I also have a bum left knee. I pulled something there too. However, I just need to wear my brace tomorrow. Really no worries there. I guess I want to prove how hard I did work out with Jillian. Do you believe me?

I have been making progress with my to-do goals around the house. I should be self-encouraging instead of self-loathing. Right?

Tomorrow, I work out! Might be with Jillian, Might be with jogging. :)

So Tired!

Well, I delivered! I was up and working out with Jillian by 6:30am. It is still very challenging, but at least i didn't feel like I was going to puke.  My muscles are still sore and yelling at me but with much less frequency. :)

I also avoided Coca-Cola, ate better, drank more water & drank less wine. Progress! Of course, we didn't go out so I was limited to what was in the house. Who the hell knows what would have happened if we ventured out. 

Unfortunately, I am at the "extremely tired" stage of the workout newbie. I could barely do anything all day. So, I let M&J have a movie/pajama day and I did a little organization, research and work on my photo blog.

What I would like to know is when does the fatigue dissipate and the energy rush in? When do I stop making myself workout? When do I start needing that workout?

I am certain the exercise would be helping me sleep better if I wasn't so stressed about Morgan-Dog and anxious to get her biopsy results. BOTH eyes were twitching today. (Only me!)

Tomorrow's plan of attack: wake early, work out, shower and get out of the house with the kids! (We are going to an event at the Hughes Main Library.) I also need to get this photo blog done so I can start marketing Snapping Turtles Photography!  (I should sleep tomorrow night.)

Easily Distracted

Project C continues, but it was a day of excuses and distractions. I am so glad I started this blog because even as I think about what I am going to write, I am realizing what I could have done differently to make certain I did take time to take care of me.

I was so sore from day 1 and day 2. It was a good sore, but my right quad was particularly "angry". I slept well and by 5am, I felt less muscle pain, but that quad still hurt. It hurt like it did when I played soccer 5 days a week and on two different teams. (I was 15 years old at the time. A lifetime ago.) I strained that muscle and they were concerned that I had torn the muscle. So, I took Jillian's advice and avoided injury and game my 40 year old, out of shape body a day off. (Did you notice how I worked Jillian Michael's words into this? I feel little less guilty and lazy now.)

Honestly, I wanted to work out during nap time. I did. I should have. I let Max, dirty dishes and facebook squander that time. What could I have done differently? For starters, I could have ignored the dishes, closed Max's door (he was supposed to be napping) and gone straight to my closet to change into workout gear. The dishes had waited since breakfast. Would waiting another 30 minutes caused them to burst into flames?

I allowed myself to be distracted and re-directed by things that didn't need my attention right away. I need to stop that. When will I realize that I am more important than clean pots and pans?

I have decided to spend 15 minutes each evening to plan out my next day. I love to-do lists (excel spreadsheets in particular) and stick to them. Sorting my thoughts and putting them down on paper will help me stay focused. Planning it all will get me psyched to get that much closer to my goals.

My focus the first couple of weeks is the exercise. I have always found that if the exercise routine is in place that the appetite changes happen quickly and with greater ease, the sleep comes quicker and is better AND the spirit settles down and becomes more peaceful.

This Project C isn't just about my physical and mental health. I am attempting to start a photography business and take a passion and convert it into a job. I am setting up my photoblog, working on my portfolio, studying photography & the business, learning photoshop and marketing myself. I am very easily distracted by technology and I am not a sales person. This is going to be difficult, but I am determined! I would love a job doing what I love and with a schedule that still allows me to be available to my children.

Goals for tomorrow: workout, drink more water and avoid soda.

A Difficult Day 2

(Please understand a few things as you read my blog. One: I am not a writer nor do I consider myself an expert in grammar. Two: Sometimes I write like a talk. I have a point and might take some time to get to it.)

DAY TWO - A DIFFICULT DAY

Today was difficult on so many levels. I barely slept. My body was so sore from yesterday's workout that barely slept. Every time I turned, moved or took a breath I HURT. Don't get me wrong. I am not complaining. Well, maybe I am complaining. However, I am trying to remember why I am doing this. No pain, no gain...right?

I haven't been sleeping well for weeks now. I was at least resting. The pain made rest impossible which meant waking up was very, very hard! But I DID IT! I dragged myself out of my warm, comfy bed and had my butt kicked my Jillian again.

Back to the sleepless nights...you might ask why am I having trouble sleeping. The Friday before Christmas I found out that my sweet, Morgan-Dog has a tumor in her back left leg. It is probably bone cancer. I knew something was wrong.  She was hiding in our closet and losing lots of lots of hair. Still, it hit me like a ton of bricks. What made it worse was trying to process this information with my 5 and 2 year old there with me. It was so hard. As soon as I looked at my children I started tearing up. How was I going to explain this horrible news to them?

The explanation was provided in tears. I just couldn't stop crying. (I still can't stop crying.) I was able to form some words to explain Morgan was sick and she was so sick that she might be going to Heaven with (Amber, Pi-Pi, Rusty, Nemo and Marley) soon. M understood right away. J still doesn't quite get it.

This dog is more than a dog. She is a part of this family. She is an insurmountable source of support and love and companionship. I have know her since she was 5 weeks old. She is so much to me. I don't want to lose her or see her suffer. I want to do what is right for her not what is right or me.

We are still waiting for the official diagnosis before we can proceed. There is a possibility we could have the "bad" leg amputated, but is that best for the dog?

We haven't lost her yet. She is still with us. However, I am already grieving a loss. Morgan was my walking/running partner. She can't do that right now. We do not know if she will be able to ever again. Going for a walk or run without her just feels empty. She isn't just my exercise companion. She is my protector and my ears. (I am deaf in one ear.) It just feels wrong.

I did go for a walk without her last week. I cried and cried the entire walk. (I wish crying would burn calories and shed fat. I would be so thin!) I was walking without my walking buddy/friend of the past 8 years. It hurt more than my muscles do right now.


I know a good run would feel great, but my heart just can't handle it. Exercise is supposed to help your heart. Right now, a walk or run without Morgan just breaks my heart.  So, for now, I will work out in my living room with Morgan watching from the playroom. :)

I miss you Morgan.

Let Project C begin

Today officially begins Project C. You might be asking yourself, "what is Project C?". Well, Project C is all about me, Cate Tyson. 

I have always seemed to put others' needs in front of my own except for a few years between the age of 27 and 32 when it was imperative I focus on some health issues. I seemed to have learned that taking care of my physical and spiritual well being was of the utmost importance. Well, that is until I got married and had two children. 


When I met my husband, I was in the beginning stages of training for a triathlon. I was running 5 miles at a time, was biking about 8 miles and looking for a pool to join. I was losing weight, getting in shape and really feeling pretty great about myself. 


I had a fantastic apartment in Fells Point, Maryland, a great dog, 2 cats, a good job and friends. I was focusing on me. The only thing missing was love, a person to share these things with. 


That "problem ended" very abruptly. I met and then married my husband within 6 weeks. The move into Cass' house was made even more hectic by hurricane Isabel. She so nicely flooded my apartment in Fells Point. And with one marriage and storm, my workout routine and desire to compete in a triathlon took a back seat. 

I was expecting my first child just 5 months later. My  pregnancy was easy. I walked every day with my dog, Morgan. And, I only gained 9 pounds. So! After giving birth I had actually lost weight. I was so excited. Almost 35 and pregnancy had me losing weight! Breastfeeding helped with the weight loss but the appetite and eating habits it created were not good. 


My weight was great until I stopped breastfeeding. My diet didn't change and I reintroduced beer & wine. Plus, working out was always low on the priority list. I mean, I was a new Mom and I worked full-time. When was I supposed to work out?


My second child arrived just 28 months after Max. With that pregnancy, I only gained 4 pounds. I had a recently learned I had a wheat allergy which helped keep the weight during the 2nd pregnancy down. I again lost weight with this pregnancy too. The same scenario played out. Breastfeeding helped keep the weight off. But bad diet, wine (beer contains wheat) and age hit me hard. 


I have gained 15 pounds since the birth of my 2nd child! I need to stop this NOW! She will be three in two months. I cannot be at peace with gaining 5 pounds a year for the rest of my life. I WILL NOT ACCEPT THAT!


I turned 40 years old on in December. I had every intention of being "Fit by 40", but I allowed every excuse to get in my way. Not only am I not fit, I am heavier and lumpier than ever. This is not who I want to be. 


I do not want to be skinny. I just want to be a good weight and able to keep up with my small children. I want to get dressed in the morning and feel good about myself and I want to feel good in my clothes. I must change this situation now. 

This has been a goal of mine before. I have failed so many times. I have always put everyone else first. Project C is about making time for myself. I am no good to my children, my husband, my family, etc. if I am out of breath, have poor self-esteem or if I am in a bad mood all the time. 


This isn't just about my physical health and appearance. My spirit is suffering too. I know the exercise will help the spirit, but I felt that writing about it would help too. I am serious about this goal. It is a mission. It is a priority!  


So, I will write. I will journal. I will blog. 


I believe this blog will help keep me honest and allow me to work through any road blocks or hurdles that my mind and/or body throw in front of me. And, maybe - just maybe I will connect with and help someone else who does not put herself first.